awake. not necessarily alive.

so dramatic. and it's Samhain and i'm unfocused. on who i am and where i will be. i'm afraid. i'm always afraid. i can be fine for seconds and then the reality that i'm here, existing, freaks me out. that i have to function and get to the next step scares me.

listening to a jones beach show. randomly added here. and joan, i can kill her. leave my songs alone you imposter. if you think you're jerry play the fucking guitar. do something other then hump bobby's leg.

I'm nearly finished with school. Nearly. 8 classes to go and then i'm free. from the holds of tradition and repetition and stagnation. at least until graduate school. i have a moment to be free. to fly a little ... then turn my wings toward academia. hopefuly to embrace an income that i can save for about ten years and then hide away in a rocky mountain getaway, in a cabin built for one, but fitting the occasional two, and a stack of books, hiding another stack of books, hiding another stack of books, hiding . . .

i can't write. fuck. he just talks. and doesn't understand. doesn't.

wow, i haven't written in so long. i'm just tempted to leave now - and let it all "rest in peace" . . .
so much has happened that i dont even wish to discuss. things that make my mind unravel .... and then hurry itself up and tighten back - like a fist
except in my head.
it hurts to think about too much.

figured out this morning that i need two more classes to graduate . . . fuck. that means staying in albany or commuting a moment longer then intended which isn't horrible - but still not according to original plan.

started new job at an indie bookstore again
i love it.
i miss my old job.

that's all i know.