i am so confused. graduate school? leave? what happens next....?
my last year here. my BA is finally done and i'm standing ... everything is supposed to be one, but it's all fragmented... all.... pieces. non fitting.
the options are so diverse which one can i handle... which will cure or which will create more chaos?

flagstaff, az
bend, or
ny, nyc
nj

it's my decision apparently. mixed with mindfulness & the considersations of more . . .

damn.

today is not a day to be rational. today is a day to leave it to tuesday and sleep.

a thousand hours later . . .

the morning widens it's door for my heavy lids to open . . . look within, and smile, happy friday. snow flurry, everything gray. it's the city of gray. i've never seen it alive with color. and i think, that's the part i like the best. the black and white that exists. in eyes, on building, in sky, in me. here i am just a shade. nothing expected, and nothing to focus on. even me. i go staring into myself, and i dont narrow. not lately. i can fall asleep, and the nightmares seem dim. they too have turned gray. it eases the pains they typically draw, to see them so faded, so shadowed, i can pretend, i can assume, they are still dreams, and not like before - where i felt every color, every sensation that unraveled me in the dreamworld.
i go off to work. again. gray.