nearly 05.
hours away from the midnight that brings change
resolution.
solution.
resistance.
some sort of evolution i wish to partake
in
for myself and the world.
the christmas holidays were amazing. with sister, with family, and with friends
was really a warm time.
i was blessed with amazing gifts
and good feelings about the future...

wisdom teeth are coming, bringing excruciating pain - nearly a feverish isolation of throb -
i cringe in it's wake. i wake from its cringe.

we stayed for hours, in bookstores that looked as though they'd burn down at any second -
old barns transformed into hidden havens of literature. cheap side. a quarter nook. a dog that loved all and slinky cats creeping in and out of shelf and silence.
bought so many that i own there. that one specific place singled out.
where i felt at home. where i felt at roam. where i felt unknown.

it's as though i'm dying. i can be 90 years old right now, and i'm fading just as fast as here, at 23. slowly drifting, wafting through myself and around the meaningless and the meaningful that surrounds me. . . . a fog of my own anticipation simultaneous hesitation ~
where do folks like me survive?
some deserted island . . . . a cave cool and jive
some cloud white marshmallow . . . . hip on cloud nine

no one listens anyway - why bother exploding for any.

never occcured to me , that i have the capacity to font change.
it's amazing how a font can illuminate what you really want to say
words. like words. like ideas. typed and transformed, transforming someone hundreds of miles away
like it were they/ares

smell smoke. that of a cigarette. nervous habits keep us hungry.
or starving i should say. in a way that doesnt make it go away. the gnawing tastes like nourishment, right?
huh. who.
graduate. sit and wait
now.what?

run on time. years of do and done.
where do i go now
now go i do. where?

all her friends can say is aint it a shame.
truckin.
on vinyl. no caffeine to adjust my eyes
focus not found. quick call the dreams, i need something to amuse me.
or use me. ill take either at this point.

strange.
daze.
maze.
blaze.
raise
my life
up from the mirror
and look elsewhere
outwhere
onwhere
to where
i dont know
be someone, something, some body
differ
rent
paid and i'm clear of any accusations.
working my ass off, 46+ hours this week, and pulling in more. . . pay the bills, save the excess and build to run away
get me out of this shell
this shit
this ship
this shallow
pool of tear and blood
birth and death

gram isn't answering her home. it drives me mad. i worry. she knows that. i can't seem to keep it all under control . . .

rent is due and i'm broke. take that mr. landlord, and then leave me no bread to eat.
i dont mind, i got a love of hunger
needing.
feeding.
wrote a paper last night comparing the infinite needs of women - lolita and sula . . .
their eroticism, yet their naive
which ultimately creates eroticism because all is to be explored
nothing is tainted until done, and both women were put into positions where their social status forced them to be - touched, thus making them - open to gazes, touches, fucking
yet, sula was seen whorish - and lo a conniving brat
hmm, twelve pages and i just started to dig deeper
have to write three more papers, well, two, then revise one - the twenty eight pager . . . haha - never thought i'd know so much about midwifery but i'm exceeding my own expectations
have to prepare my departure.
tend my aching insides & approach the rain clad streets