Van Morrison soothes me this morning. Last night the nightmares wouldn't leave me alone. I dont know what made them come back but it was so . . . it made me feel 13 again. 15 again. 18 again. The last two years they've been at bay. . . lingering on the outskirts of my mind, and last night they crept back in. every two hours i was brought to wake by the things i saw, the things i felt, the things i screamed aloud . . .
Nothing eased me. I was alone. Felt like the dark nights at the house back home, where i would lay awake wide-eyed for hours, afraid to drift off to asleep, afraid i wouldn't wake up... the dreams stronger then i.

my wisdom tooth may bring it. For the past two weeks i've been thru some excruciating pain with it . . . and maybe those pains are transferring throughout and affecting my imagination . . . ? maybe the motrin has gone to my fears and started to live in it. . . bringing it about.

just waiting now for insurance to process before i can see the dentist. the waiting, as petty sings, is the hardest part. the pain is bearable now, not because it's less, but because i know it.

semester has begun. six classes, over 25 novels to be read. . . . i read about 15 so i feel ahead in some senses. i'm going to really try not to miss class this semester. i have a problem w/ maintaining attendance. i like freedom. but i'm trying. at least be there until march half so that i can use up my free absences after the cold in the warm days. . . . the good days that make me feel alive. i long for the sun. bring me my sun.

the flu . . . it's here. inside me. i thought the cold was bad, but this is death. striking hold in my throat, burning me from the in out . . .
new years eve spent silent. no voice, and sweating ...
and still it continues.

went home for christmas. was so good to see gram. and suzanne and her mom stopped by and i was just transported back into that mode of - child. being barely a teenager & giggling with the only girl who knew why i was alive . . . so silly. to bring myself to that point is just a tease, she is not where i am and i am not about to rewind. my entire life has been about rewinding. stay in the past and never go forth into what can be - only what was.
the family was the same. sarcastic and somewhat loose - conversations varying to no degree of significance. . . feeling a growing sentimentality to andy . . . that's good. i like it. his presence makes me feel safe. that's a wonderous thing. that sensation is rare.

dont have any new year resolutions. decided to not bother with that. just live.