finicky.
disappointing.
demanding.
great, exactly as i wish to be . . . .
sad at that - wonder what i could have done different
wonder why i wasn't told sooner
as to stop
oh well
light headed and headed to the light
night

saw her standing there, tears upon her cheek . . . telling me something was wrong
i asked her what it was


ah darius -my long lost
of being sixteen or seventeen
and hearing myself wallow and swallow, and hollow -

look away she said..... as she turned away
i tried to hold her

i imagine louis. starstruck on billie joe and guitars hanging too low..... my own hot pink strapped on - black sweet smooth on my belly - then smooth - fuzzied by puberty and unknown -
no one could touch it then. nor i - my shield the shock, my clock of broken hands, and saddenned faces. . .

at the top of the parking lot behind cvs, behind me shop rite waiting for gram. . . . listening to music, alone, as though i'd died tomorrow - sorting out my pieces . . . who would go to what

where?