tired
busy
preparing
confused
in love
happy
did i say confused?

it
is
a
girl
all magnolia and daffodil
perfect already
feel her now and again
moving slight
like fluttering
and reminding
i have never loved anyone or anything more
i can't wait to meet her

sunday mornings
with coffee
and pink floyd

sun tries to break in
the blinds hide me
pale skin sheltered
sprouting belly
shadowed by tree leaves and white venetians . . .

saw david sedaris last night
truly a funny guy
had a great time
felt full and noticed
many mentioned my glowing
and that felt nice
it's about time i'm not wanting to curl into a ball and die
and feel alive with life

though i have my moments of restless desperation with growing spurts
it's amazing
like slow full

home home again
i like to be here when i can . . .

the baby has started to move. . . fluttering slightly tired restless here and there
reminding me of him/her self . . .
i smile each time
i can't believe i ever worried this
it's mine and beautiful
and

poetic

everything new since then.
the transformation of getting myself thru
to carrying something within
due in march
a child
of mine
more than likely
my one and only
however, before i think on the future of adding to the den let me just embrace the one step

scared as i am
sometimes it takes a minute to realize
that it's real
it's inside
and i can feel it
it's so strange
tiny as it is
i can feel it
i know something is there
even if i didnt know
technically
i would know

heard the heartbeat
so much more then my own
so much stronger
and healthier
and not weighed down with experience and hurt
a different kind of survival
a new kind of living
that i've long forgotten
about just living
not thinking out every detail
taking every day as is
without the fear of what the next might bring

it's normal
i know
to have these fears and insecurities of abilities
but i really wish i could stop myself from doubting and be enriched by the idea that i'm the mother
the earth
the goddess
the creation of all mankind
it's an amazing concept
and true
if we can only grasp it and open ourselves to

nearly phil
excitable girl
music brings me great joy
and greater feelings of content

my birthday approaching
25
excited to see those i know and love
and have missed

excited to now feel very happy.
blessed
be.

3 years ago now
i was stranded
broken down in nashville
nearing memphis
looking for clarity
and a check engine light to die down

here i am
all reasonable
responsible
respectable
wishing
i was lost
on an ancient plane

my stomach
aches
the coffee
laced with cream and sugar
has damaged all lining and purpose
and now i suffer the addiction like a wilting fool

tired. not overly, but some, enough to say
tired.

wish i were back in my new bed.
the queen mattress of fluff.
the sunlight slipping in
waking me gently
softly
sincerely

yet, here i am
wasting hours

to be happy
happy be to
be to happy

is to be
awake
on edge
in the water
wading
watching the stars
reflect
the heavens
back at clouds
in silver lining rendevous

apart from the world
two become
united
to create
a multitude of bliss

~ listening to jerry, tell me, how sweet it is to be loved by me. and there i am.
want to smile wide, devoted, sway manical, and thank you . . . baby

we groove the same. tune in and out to this beat and onto that.

can't wait for the summer months
to shed my socks
unbuckle my shoes
and feel the earth under my bare toes
my nerves
sighing with relief

when i speak your name . . . .
when i see your stroll . . . .
that's what love will make you do
no matter how hard i fight it
baby im still in love with you

i can never feel as good as i do when i listen to his voice.
want to be a jezzebel angel
dripping innocence
lace and leather
rose and thorn

sleepy eyed

the song that trips me out
china cat sunflower
the words written a thousand years ago
on psychadelica
hipadelica
youre a delica
proud walkin jingle in the midnight sun

whenever i hear it i fade into the flurry of experience
had and to come
my legs are jelly
my insides drool
i am mushy
and miracled

Random Insight
Splatter
plotter
platter
pitter
patter
rain drop
reign dropped
vain cop
stain blop
tame mop
brain flop

am i boring you yet?
cause everybodys doing that rag.

early to drink
late to rest
i dream a dream without you in it

one of these summer mornings
i want to spend with you
lay on your arms
and watch the will of all the world
collapse
as though under our wishes
one foundation crumbling at a time

what i wouldnt give
to get one more second
with you

i wade in an assortment of ideas
and nuisances
of my own creation

dilly in the dally
the main stage
back alley
listening
never seeing
the action
that unfolds based on
words we meant to say
but couldnt
because we feared aggression

oppression
of my heart
depression
of my head
all kept
quiet
and
unfed

happy birthday to me.
thank you sean for the c.c. :)
truly.
wow.
:)
~
i've got everything that you want
i've got everything and someday i'll be better
i've got everything single thing you really need
separate love from addiction
its not the same thing.

i play piano & sing like a hummingbird
oh i forgot
hummingbirds dont sing
it doesnt matter
you know what i mean
~
and pearl jam.
last night.
blew
my
mind
.
reminding me of his presence.

night spent twisted up in hope
.no more upset.
heavy breath & fragile spirit
.dont blow it all this time.
share blankets, mirror some dream
.this time.
wake to hear the rain
.in the far off distance.
sunrise coming thru a covered window
.feel like a question is forming.
say good morning with a yawn
.i am free.
there are only the right things left to say
.it's only rain.
healing hearts & puddles
.come back.
i'll come home to this if you'll let me

.ive been reaching out today.
.from where ever you are.
.come back.
.and these days linger on.
.if i dont fall apart.
.will my memory stay clear.
.but the strangest thing today so far is you feel so close and i'm not going to question.
.i stay an open book for you.
.come the morning i swear you're next to me.
.come back.
.i'll be here.
~
.pearl jam.
me

parties kept us awake
conversaluted
front porch cave
escape plan

black swans & mirrors in puddles
your arm someplace on a hip
i've owned for years
never really knowing how
awake it could feel
until right then

driving too fast
on backroads
and dusty moons
earth salt
trickling in the tiny spaces
behind my knee
you manage to notice

you always noticed those things

sunrise on a lake we've been naked in before
flannel blankets & foggy dragon whispers
your hand a hundred years bigger than my own
with many more miles
to go
. . .
i read you pieces of che's journal
mixed with hints of sappho
love & concern
marry on the bed of a truck
south of all i'm currently trying to pull my stock from
time manages peace
and peace manages worth
maybe things will be different
give me
some rain
and
i'll wash away this hurt
i've felt awhile
i'll be all yours
come summer
. . .
we can spend the hours
in tall grasses
touching and touring
the countries
we've been in
wish to visit again
. . .
maybe things are different.
these days.

there's a man
on the mountain
asking me to come on
up
. . . a woman in the valley . . .

loving cups of exploration
navigation of the disorder
and fundamentals uncovered
explosion of mind & gray matter
create rainbow platters

midnight roses
that i aint never had before
. . . what a beautiful buzz . . .

dance like silly shadows
against an open sky
spill the memories
the magic
the maybes
till
give a little
drink
just
one drink

and i'll . . .

imagine
how good it will be
to surrender
to just a little drink

all i want is food and
creative love

mid
night
kiss
dawn
walk
sidewalk chalk
& ice cream
sandwiches
warm
skin
satisfy
craving
to
be
nurtured
nourished
tranquil
buzz of tongue
and sleep

got no place to be
but here with you
there with me
and i could take you for granted
but i wont because you see things that i dont see
share notes on the illuminati
over a pot of cinammon coffee

you got delicate fingers
when you cut up the apple
you keep on looking up
make sure my eyes are watching
you know i think you got
delicate fingers

in the bathroom mirror
you come up behind me
your lips, they touch my neck
in places it hasn't been touched in so long
tell me they i'm beautiful
as xavier rudd whispers bountiful

dance in the kitchen
our feet ignoring splinters
you raise up those long arms
gather up the air
sing along

"let me be . . . free"

always out of the blue
into the yellow
shake to sweat
touch to lust
forsake the past
harmonica havoc

"would you let me go?"

in a yurt up north
mosquito lake
bruised legs
and lilies
watching every sky
every morning

drive all the way from norfolk
to see me
just to hold my hand
as i weep over blood that isn't my own
slipping slipping

didjiri . . . do you know how to make me love?
beyond the flirt . . . and fancy words . . .
past the mainstream heart & points of view i've heard

i'd lick my lips a thousand times for you
if you just let me grow addicted
if you just grow addicted
if we just couldn't get enough

and i have all the reasons left
inside
to give all the reasons left
inside
over to you all the reasons left
inside
all the right reasons

got no place to be
but with you
here with me
. . .

inspiration from a very beautiful xavier rudd . . . beautiful musician . . .

there's nothing special
about this phase
i'm going through
the lines have all been drawn before
nothing too unusual

why i thought it unique
is beyond my mind

faking vulnerability
to master the art of forgiveness
in all it's magical corners

hide out
from the rain
that puddles between my shoulder blades
as i lay face down
on a hill
in a park
waiting
for a ship to dock

save the small talk
for a stranger
and give no reasons

excuses are for mistakes
learn and try elsewhere

on dancefloors
under indigo lighting
words about hips
slip a smile
to an open armed trickster


misc. remnants in tune to a weekend of disshevel ~

zen
tricks
& a dance to keep the room spinning
twirl bells & beer . . . .
play it by
.
boys with questions regarding substance substantial
flirt eyes wide
.
sing along song
in the car
drive home
windows down
air medley
my favorite hearts

I'm gonna turn
and walk away
you can wait
til I am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if I were gone
I want to hear you
call my name
it's too easy
just to say it soft
I don't like my language
watered down
I don't like my edges
rounded off
I can't always wait
for your circumstance to improve
love is loose it
shifts each time you move
go ahead, put my back
against the wall
give it all up
or don't give it to me at all
you never know this could be
our last night
so step back
step back into the light
so I can see your sillouette
I'm not done looking yet
save the profile for the camera
give me your eye to eye
I know all your secrets
and you know all of mine
mostly
I don't gofor the soft focus and the fantasy
I need something real
I can think
and say and see so
I'm going to turn
and walk away
you wait til I am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if I were gone
yes I'm going to turn
and walk away you can watch me go
or you can make me stay

ad

. . . hmm . . . time sense the last entry.

how to fill it in ?

u-melt six packs in the back of too big cars, giggling frenzy with the boy and the girl, mushy brained sweat streak down the center of my back, hit on hard, and fast, and fans make all the girls feel sexy.

tattoo part 3. jersey. birthday celebration and sleep on floors with sleeping bag & snuggle.

daylight saves time.

deadbeats. examine the summer close with my usual trippers, and drink until we stumble into and out of dancing

donna the buffalo, leave early in my hippie gear to go see naked girlies . . . who get not the eyes i get, apparently young men seeking flesh would rather see hippie geared clad girl . . . sister shocked at the amount of attention, it made me laugh, and felt so revolutionizing to say fuck off to them all.

gala, and michael buble . . . haha - oh my beautiful gin & tonic, and wine, and beer, and van morrison, dance in fancy dresses, and suits, and coordinate myself to a couch to fade into and out of bad twentieth century movie . . . .

marijuanalouges~highlarious!!!!! tommy chong was awesome. saw a ton of folks i knew, michael, nate, kenny and co., and was able to get seats with my favoritess of favorites. . . . mmm number unicorn haha :) the band phish . . . wooooooo . .. . sucks. haha

park time. hacking the sack till sunset, then read writing to and from, critique and beatique . . . head to mike's for sopranos . . . what a great one too! vito in leather!!!!!!!!!!! vitos possibly suicide. tony's back! mmm coors light. haha

oh yeah and .. .. i am buying a car :)

midnight
till
morning
a strumming
a friendfull
and a moon gaze
train rattle near
sing song
the dire strait

. . . a lovestruck romeo . . . find a convenient street light, step out of the shade, "you and me babe, how about it?"

Anytime it rains she just feels a lot better
And that’s all that really matters to me
We’ve waited so long
For someone to take us back home
It just takes so long
Meanwhile all the days go drifting away
And some of us sink like a stone
There has to be a change I’m sure
Today was just a day fading into another
And that can’t be what a life is for

a.d.

How can I ask love to hold the mystery
When just look at me
It's all push and pull collateral
I don't want to be the one who gets the next surprise
I'll plan it out this time
Though I used to think that things were meant to be
So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is working better now
It's always changing anyhowI danced a lot of nights until the grass was wet
It wasn't over yet'
Round 'bout 3 a. m. you made a friend
And I followed a lot of vital crazy thoughts
Because it's where the meaning was
And I tried to find it every other way
So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is getting better now
But always changing anyhow
But I can turn on the charm
Show them nothing more
Than what I've done before
It's nothing much new
But it'll do
Cause I don't wanna be the one who makes you laugh out loud
I wanna make you proud
And you always said you knew what I could be
So farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
Farewell to the old me
My life is working better now
But always changing anyhow
Time
And the old me
Farewell to the old me
Farewell...

v for vendetta
tara-piece-o-paper-party with ceramic lily beer games and homemade cards
/
fuze box
wide smile
/
wider smile
beauty
/
interest
warm mouths
/
sleep
more sleep
/
dream
sweet plum gifts
/
affection
food
/
laugh
sweet
/
dream
a favorite weekend of mine.

i am blessed
i have missed both these boys terribly
it's a beautiful thing to be hanging out together
the three of us. loved. loving. lovely.

everybody's sleeping
even with all their little eyes, all wide, and alive
pupils digging into mine
. . . . i dont know why im here, and i dont know how to tell anyone where i've been. i just know im gaining miles on myself and i . . .
there's a world of discontent in the smiles i deliver
no one knows the difference
between the poet and the 3 a/m angel

what about what love is and what about what love doesn't want to be

and there's a mythological creature out there
knowing they could call me at any hour
i wouldn't make them sleep alone

i've come from new york manipulations
and i've somehow became my own distraction
this whole place puts my puzzle out in the rain

~ march moon shadow
on a slippery sidewalk
walking alone~

i still dream of lace & long letters
dotted 'i's and underlining "truly"

jackson pollack found me in a bar on friday
in the sea of sweat and illumination
lights splattered over my face
he turned his palms to my hips
cradled my lust
one thrust a shiver

i could turn my head and smell him
paint thinner
and old spice
casual musk
the naive girls mingle near

every now and more so, again
his lips would rush my face
hurrying to lap up the sweat canaling to my breasts
heaving
heavy
nipples hard
against the coarse dress
without a bra to shield

if i wasn't in love
already
i would have made him
my muse

turn the clock back
to 1 and all the guitars sound out of tune
yet i know perfection when i hear it
me and the boys from up north
back floating on vodka and orange juice
singing loud the mountain songs
of brothers and sisters
we never met

a collection of random jump thru sheets of snipets i can recall one blink
at a time

pearl jam returns to the north east
and for that, i close my eyes...
'black' . . . tattoo all i see, all i am, all i'll be . . . so beautiful eddie.

a mattress on the floor
a dirty blanket
from weeks of pacific ocean sand
laying out beneath a starfull, planetscape
sky
your ceiling exploded with comet
and galaxies proposed in slumbers of dream
stroke your fingers
imagine escher in the constellations self-created
stairways and turnpikes
black and white
lines
a thousand zigzags capturing void
and crevice
we examine propped up on elbows to hit bowls
packed with downtown's finest
laughter gypsy van morrison kind of love

~

why can't i just talk to my grandfather one last time?
tell him everything i meant to say when he was dying but couldn't
because i couldn't cry then.
why was being loving to the dying so hard at 17? how selfish and regretted it is to not react in the way it is?

standing alone beside him at dawn. the last one to see him alive, and the first one to see him dead.

~

cadillac baby blue filled with birthday girls, and cigars . . . scream loud at passing cars, sing along to tom petty, and "you dont know how it feels . . . to be me" . . . the air in the car, rushing our faces, hair tangled on sweaty necks and fingers pinching joint, pass, happy 19, take my face in hands, small girl hands, and smile, pout out your bitten lips, "ooooh yeah, you wreck me baby. ."

~

i scroll and wonder what made me put this or that in. . . is it the high? or is it the caffeine?
is it loneliness?
the music . . .
8 weeks. dirty hands and worn out knees . . . i keep crawling back to you.

i just feel bored. and analytical of the processing i partake of all i've done and do . . .

~

may tuesday leave me quieter. or at least more sensical.

~ can i help it if i still dream time to time ~
.jacqueline.

Hung.over.
the world hates me
or maybe it's my decision making
either way
something must be blamed for this horrendous ache.

thinking about the week - how beautiful it's been.
thinking of the weekend to come - how nice it will be to dance awhile with loved ones, to roadtrip to saratoga in a caravan and relax with beautiful folks some guitars and drums. .. .

i am feeling the spring surge. . . . separate.

in my bliss
kissed 80 hours
i've shouldered the weight
of a thousand smiles

thank you march


for being all you never were
and all i needed you now
to be

i had my head laughing. inside and eventually out, easy baked and turned to stone, spin my silk umbrella. . . dave rolled his eyes, "dont dig birds of a feather" so we sat in the rolling grass, our joints and bones marrowing to the other until destiny unraveled itself. . . kara cried, first time in over ten years. i held hands with my dying sister & handed out the daisies from my hair. tiny yellow heads floating about in the pungent bathtub gin.

lights on our faces, glazes and phases of doors, open wide, close, doormouse, dumb-bell, we need more cowbell. my spine regurgitates my posture as i push my heels back for balance along the wall of the nassauic valleyed cave.

close my eyes, find a nomadic god to call my own for a song more . . . . shake our souls down onto and over the other, smile insistant, least resistant, "my," he grinned, "you remind me of a ziggy star. . . . ."

dust our boots off
stand on the hood
of harry's car
watching the children
wander home

i'm throwing away the two reasons
because you can't give me one

as needed as it is
laying listening to christmas lights sizzle out

i recognize nothing
and the view from this point
is full of grays and blues

such a delicate togetherness
the color of goodbye

I wish you out of the woods
And into a picture with me
I wish you over the moon
Come out of the question and be
If this is gonna run 'round in my head
I might as well be dreaming

what am i doing the next few months . . . a whole boatload. . . decided to copy and paste my calendar. . . and it looks busy . . . im taking a deadbeat break awhile, and focusing on spending some cash on some other love.d music awhile . . . .

3/3: SBY at Valentines

3/4: Reckoning at Oasis in N. Paltz

3/9: raq at red square

3/10: raq at red square

3/11 1st annual End of Winter Potluck at Kerri & Mik's house

3/17: Heart of Gold starts at the Spectrum Theater

3/23 Ryan Montbleau Band and Josh Dion Band... Red Square

3/25: Raisinhead/goran ivanovic group/scarecrow collection - red square ~yeehaw:)

3/31: Umelt at red square

4/01: Reckoning at Oasis in NPaltz

4/1: SBY at Our Glass in Gloversville

4/5/06 Medeski, Martin and Wood at The Egg... The Duo plays at Red Square the same night hmmmm tix on sale

2/17/06: Donna the Buffalo at armory ~yeeeeehaw :)

4/14: peter rowan & tony rice at the egg

4/21: sby at red square

4/22: Citizen's Environmental Coalition in Albany will be hosting an Earth Day concert

4/27 Ryan Montbleau Band... Parting Glass... Saratoga

5/20 New Riders of the Purple Sage at The Egg

been depressed lately, but i feel like the constant absorption of self-realization will help me along, as well as the drive to read i have had lately. my own form of escapism, the literary worlds where i am who and how i want to be. if only a few hours a day.

listening to a lot of the grateful dead. older stuff. since watching that film, and hearing bobby crying and "reflecting back to him". . . i've been a jerry mess. i miss him so much.

i love the path of healing , and of doing what i feel is right , and sharing these things with family , friends , both . . . . yet, i have small 'shucks' about things i can't change or experience. i learned later in life the way i needed for me to feel a million bucks.

thoughts.
wednesday.

in lighter news, some chakra cleansing tonight, and some dancing.

i still see your face
sweat covered
and eyes alive
dancing with mine

a bonfire
keeping us warm
as we whispered
about god, and lust

burnt grass
at our ankles
the bells on my skirt
jingling in time with your guitar

i miss the way you
pronounce
words
careful, as not to offend them

we didnt wake up for months

when i did.

you were gone

wandering sweet spirit
searching for yourself
with some pieces of me

i've set fire to the fonts
i've figured
and twirled
every love letter
now ash
buried in some albany romanticized pompeii
weight of smolder
&
colder winters

im getting older
by the heart break

turn on your love light
let it shine on me
turn on your love light
im begging you please . . .

doubt is the father of invention ~ galileo

today feels really fucking stupid.
and oddly, unlike me to feel, i feel as though i tried really really hard
to assure the goodness of becoming, and evolving, and hopefulness

try to go from following the brain
to following heart
& i get

lost.

fuck.

i think all things i hold sacred should be forgotten awhile.

get away from me, this isn’t gonna be easy
But I don’t need you
Believe me
yeah, You got a piece of me
But it’s just a little piece of me
I don’t need anyone
and these days I feel like I’m fading away
Have you seen me lately?

it’s raining
Could you tell me one thing you remember about me
And have you seen me lately?
I remember me
And all the little things that make up a memory

I guess I thought that someone would notice
I guess I thought somebody would say something
If I was missing
Can’t you see me? Come on color me in
Come on color me in

counting crows morning. beautiful. . . "can you ever be loved like i can love". . . . makes me wish i were back in some nonresponsible situation where i could look at everything with more ease. . .

recall my eyes focused on the ceiling of some other points of views . . . listening to words tangle, and feel a warm palm on my belly. "i got everything that you want, i got everything except every single thing you need, love and addiction are almost the same" . . .

lul.la.good.byes . . . drift into and out of sleep. make a martyr of myself just so you remember me.

im a ball of intricate details, none of them tied together, except for the commonality of my inspiration.

"as you turned and walked away, as the door behind you closes, the only thing i thought to say is what a good year for the roses" . . .

seeing heather made me respect the time spent among the women in my life. the silly absurdities i forget sometimes that made me here. now. breathing deep the estrogen of growth & displeasure . . . blossoming into us. as is. in love, out, goal & literature

"if i knew picasso i'd buy myself a gray guitar and play" . . . staring at beautiful paintings in the met, i suddenly realized how little i've done. . . how little i've become in trying to absorb that which society requires rather then focus on what i require for myself. i want more poetry & literature, i want lust, and love, and tripping, and moonlight and dawns, conversations that last six hours, and laughter . .. . i want to sleep late, and eat ice cream, i want to be bob dylan, or mr. jones, i want to be funky, i want to be demanded, i want to called after, i want wildflowers, and harmonicas . . . .

after hearing from tom & bert, i realize we are all in this boat. this sinking ship of passing hope. grappling, and grabbing, burnt and stabbing after that which hurts . . . but makes it all sense.
i am drawn to those which need more.
i am one of those that need more.

'august and everything after you get a little less than you expected, somehow...I stumbled into Washington Square just as the sun began to rise' . . .

la la la la la la . . . .

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning
You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?"
"Good luck"
But you don't mean it
When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them
And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you

back from nyc. corrupted. saved. lost. made.

obsessed with montbleau, craving knowledge, and trying so damned hard to focus on figuring out my heart.

lost amongst the ruins, and found amongst the shine.

phil will open up my mind. this time.

let me stand and sway in that light he offers every time im near him and show me what i want to show myself in words and ways i can't translate without him.

i am so excited to be there. be opened and absolute.

miss
albany
diner
& french toast
rendevous.
quarter to 7
half past waking
with a thousand ideas spinning on a tongue
fall into and out of
.future.
.
dont be an otter fucker.

. . . this box was filled once. with 647832 words.

of

broken heart

adjective

adverb

similie

for purposes of healing
without the pause in dwell

they have been erased.
and i will not think them.
again.

you reached across a table
you constructed
with slivered hands
and tired nails

handed me the instant
mashed
potatos
and A-1 sauce

asked,

"does infinity
know
it's infinity"

i licked the A-1 sauce from
my fingers
smiled,
"eternally."

my blankets are too big.
they were built for two.
i am cutting them all in half.
and donating the piece that covered you
to greenland.

five a.m.
flowers

dance rich puddles all around my ankles
i rub the sleep from my eyes
and wish a good morning

and this po em
is to know ing
you will read it
wonder ing
if it's about you
and this time
it is

"in other words,"
he said
with a winter hat
on
"i want you"
streetlights flickered off as dawn broke
"to stay"
i liked the way our gloves felt against one another
"awhile."

his camera told my story
one shudder at a time
blazed
crazed
raised roof the heavens
and peer up into the reclining olympians

trickle knuckle
downward the place where tendon stretches bone
ask me to fly to oregon
for labor day

in my gray tea
div, i ide my time
on swollen

whim
and wanton why
wish to take my words
and wind will up
worry it another wednesday

my heart is broken
and im unsure
it's my fault
this time

good morning tuesday.
it's been a week or more since i've said your name
but i depend on you
for happening
and maybe i even
take you for granted
for that i am sorry

never wanted to break your heart
or make you feel disconnected
come back and see me again
i'll make it up to you
with licorice
and every pimento i have

the wood is cherry
smooth
and soft
i can break it
if i wanted
but i dont
my face i press
against the cool of it
letting puddles gather
warping tiny seams

blah.

i remember being about 15. for christmas, my grandparents bought me a dressing table. of cherry wood. and you know me. . . . i never use a mirror. i never apply things to myself. what could it offer? but i loved that fucking thing more then anything. they wanted me to feel a woman. to feel grown up. to feel beautiful.

and i tried so hard for them.

wondering.

when i was going to try so hard, for me.

you've drunken all my drink
my hot chocolate
with its fake mallows
hot and soothing
to your throat
not mine
and i hope you loved
every bit
and i hope you felt
warm

while i sat.
here.
imagining it me.

The night is at a standstill.

oh ani. you are in a wednesday frame o my mind. i blame the loss of my heart. the loss of clarity. the still chaos that hurts my chest.
my breast, swollen, and my stomach aches ~
want to be in love, in lust, in . . . .
it's all so ridiculous. it's all so...
fuck it.


i'm going to turn
and walk away
you wait till i am far along
then run and come
and catch my arm
and say you'd die
if i were gone
yes i'm going to turn
and walk away
you can watch me go
or you can make me stay

we turn one another on
with in you
end and though
we still heart
and heave
at the touch
and be

we must find
thank fullness
and drive