i had my head laughing. inside and eventually out, easy baked and turned to stone, spin my silk umbrella. . . dave rolled his eyes, "dont dig birds of a feather" so we sat in the rolling grass, our joints and bones marrowing to the other until destiny unraveled itself. . . kara cried, first time in over ten years. i held hands with my dying sister & handed out the daisies from my hair. tiny yellow heads floating about in the pungent bathtub gin.

lights on our faces, glazes and phases of doors, open wide, close, doormouse, dumb-bell, we need more cowbell. my spine regurgitates my posture as i push my heels back for balance along the wall of the nassauic valleyed cave.

close my eyes, find a nomadic god to call my own for a song more . . . . shake our souls down onto and over the other, smile insistant, least resistant, "my," he grinned, "you remind me of a ziggy star. . . . ."

dust our boots off
stand on the hood
of harry's car
watching the children
wander home

i'm throwing away the two reasons
because you can't give me one

as needed as it is
laying listening to christmas lights sizzle out

i recognize nothing
and the view from this point
is full of grays and blues

such a delicate togetherness
the color of goodbye

I wish you out of the woods
And into a picture with me
I wish you over the moon
Come out of the question and be
If this is gonna run 'round in my head
I might as well be dreaming

what am i doing the next few months . . . a whole boatload. . . decided to copy and paste my calendar. . . and it looks busy . . . im taking a deadbeat break awhile, and focusing on spending some cash on some other love.d music awhile . . . .

3/3: SBY at Valentines

3/4: Reckoning at Oasis in N. Paltz

3/9: raq at red square

3/10: raq at red square

3/11 1st annual End of Winter Potluck at Kerri & Mik's house

3/17: Heart of Gold starts at the Spectrum Theater

3/23 Ryan Montbleau Band and Josh Dion Band... Red Square

3/25: Raisinhead/goran ivanovic group/scarecrow collection - red square ~yeehaw:)

3/31: Umelt at red square

4/01: Reckoning at Oasis in NPaltz

4/1: SBY at Our Glass in Gloversville

4/5/06 Medeski, Martin and Wood at The Egg... The Duo plays at Red Square the same night hmmmm tix on sale

2/17/06: Donna the Buffalo at armory ~yeeeeehaw :)

4/14: peter rowan & tony rice at the egg

4/21: sby at red square

4/22: Citizen's Environmental Coalition in Albany will be hosting an Earth Day concert

4/27 Ryan Montbleau Band... Parting Glass... Saratoga

5/20 New Riders of the Purple Sage at The Egg

been depressed lately, but i feel like the constant absorption of self-realization will help me along, as well as the drive to read i have had lately. my own form of escapism, the literary worlds where i am who and how i want to be. if only a few hours a day.

listening to a lot of the grateful dead. older stuff. since watching that film, and hearing bobby crying and "reflecting back to him". . . i've been a jerry mess. i miss him so much.

i love the path of healing , and of doing what i feel is right , and sharing these things with family , friends , both . . . . yet, i have small 'shucks' about things i can't change or experience. i learned later in life the way i needed for me to feel a million bucks.

thoughts.
wednesday.

in lighter news, some chakra cleansing tonight, and some dancing.

i still see your face
sweat covered
and eyes alive
dancing with mine

a bonfire
keeping us warm
as we whispered
about god, and lust

burnt grass
at our ankles
the bells on my skirt
jingling in time with your guitar

i miss the way you
pronounce
words
careful, as not to offend them

we didnt wake up for months

when i did.

you were gone

wandering sweet spirit
searching for yourself
with some pieces of me

i've set fire to the fonts
i've figured
and twirled
every love letter
now ash
buried in some albany romanticized pompeii
weight of smolder
&
colder winters

im getting older
by the heart break

turn on your love light
let it shine on me
turn on your love light
im begging you please . . .

doubt is the father of invention ~ galileo

today feels really fucking stupid.
and oddly, unlike me to feel, i feel as though i tried really really hard
to assure the goodness of becoming, and evolving, and hopefulness

try to go from following the brain
to following heart
& i get

lost.

fuck.

i think all things i hold sacred should be forgotten awhile.

get away from me, this isn’t gonna be easy
But I don’t need you
Believe me
yeah, You got a piece of me
But it’s just a little piece of me
I don’t need anyone
and these days I feel like I’m fading away
Have you seen me lately?

it’s raining
Could you tell me one thing you remember about me
And have you seen me lately?
I remember me
And all the little things that make up a memory

I guess I thought that someone would notice
I guess I thought somebody would say something
If I was missing
Can’t you see me? Come on color me in
Come on color me in

counting crows morning. beautiful. . . "can you ever be loved like i can love". . . . makes me wish i were back in some nonresponsible situation where i could look at everything with more ease. . .

recall my eyes focused on the ceiling of some other points of views . . . listening to words tangle, and feel a warm palm on my belly. "i got everything that you want, i got everything except every single thing you need, love and addiction are almost the same" . . .

lul.la.good.byes . . . drift into and out of sleep. make a martyr of myself just so you remember me.

im a ball of intricate details, none of them tied together, except for the commonality of my inspiration.

"as you turned and walked away, as the door behind you closes, the only thing i thought to say is what a good year for the roses" . . .

seeing heather made me respect the time spent among the women in my life. the silly absurdities i forget sometimes that made me here. now. breathing deep the estrogen of growth & displeasure . . . blossoming into us. as is. in love, out, goal & literature

"if i knew picasso i'd buy myself a gray guitar and play" . . . staring at beautiful paintings in the met, i suddenly realized how little i've done. . . how little i've become in trying to absorb that which society requires rather then focus on what i require for myself. i want more poetry & literature, i want lust, and love, and tripping, and moonlight and dawns, conversations that last six hours, and laughter . .. . i want to sleep late, and eat ice cream, i want to be bob dylan, or mr. jones, i want to be funky, i want to be demanded, i want to called after, i want wildflowers, and harmonicas . . . .

after hearing from tom & bert, i realize we are all in this boat. this sinking ship of passing hope. grappling, and grabbing, burnt and stabbing after that which hurts . . . but makes it all sense.
i am drawn to those which need more.
i am one of those that need more.

'august and everything after you get a little less than you expected, somehow...I stumbled into Washington Square just as the sun began to rise' . . .

la la la la la la . . . .

You got a lotta nerve
To say you are my friend
When I was down
You just stood there grinning
You got a lotta nerve
To say you got a helping hand to lend
You just want to be on
The side that's winning
You say I let you down
You know it's not like that
If you're so hurt
Why then don't you show it
You say you lost your faith
But that's not where it's at
You had no faith to lose
And you know it
I know the reason
That you talk behind my back
I used to be among the crowd
You're in with
Do you take me for such a fool
To think I'd make contact
With the one who tries to hide
What he don't know to begin with
You see me on the street
You always act surprised
You say, "How are you?"
"Good luck"
But you don't mean it
When you know as well as me
You'd rather see me paralyzed
Why don't you just come out once
And scream it
No, I do not feel that good
When I see the heartbreaks you embrace
If I was a master thief
Perhaps I'd rob them
And now I know you're dissatisfied
With your position and your place
Don't you understand
It's not my problem
I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
And just for that one moment
I could be you
Yes, I wish that for just one time
You could stand inside my shoes
You'd know what a drag it is
To see you

back from nyc. corrupted. saved. lost. made.

obsessed with montbleau, craving knowledge, and trying so damned hard to focus on figuring out my heart.

lost amongst the ruins, and found amongst the shine.

phil will open up my mind. this time.

let me stand and sway in that light he offers every time im near him and show me what i want to show myself in words and ways i can't translate without him.

i am so excited to be there. be opened and absolute.

miss
albany
diner
& french toast
rendevous.
quarter to 7
half past waking
with a thousand ideas spinning on a tongue
fall into and out of
.future.
.
dont be an otter fucker.

. . . this box was filled once. with 647832 words.

of

broken heart

adjective

adverb

similie

for purposes of healing
without the pause in dwell

they have been erased.
and i will not think them.
again.

you reached across a table
you constructed
with slivered hands
and tired nails

handed me the instant
mashed
potatos
and A-1 sauce

asked,

"does infinity
know
it's infinity"

i licked the A-1 sauce from
my fingers
smiled,
"eternally."

my blankets are too big.
they were built for two.
i am cutting them all in half.
and donating the piece that covered you
to greenland.

five a.m.
flowers

dance rich puddles all around my ankles
i rub the sleep from my eyes
and wish a good morning

and this po em
is to know ing
you will read it
wonder ing
if it's about you
and this time
it is